Susan McCorkindale

Author. Editor. Autism Advocate.

Confessions

5.13.17

Just say yes

 

 

 

 

 

 

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5.12.17

Dear Cuyler, Grandma is here

as you can tell by the fact that the fridge is full.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can you believe this thing? I don’t think it’s this jam packed when you’re home which means I’m not winning Mother of the Year anytime soon but still. Yogurt and rolls and eggs and all manner of gooey deliciousness and leftovers – leftovers! which means she’s cooking! and I’m eating! – in our refrigerator. It’s terrifying. And I’m not the only one who’s flipped out. The pots and pans are too. I heard them talking among themselves just yesterday, kvetching about some woman who keeps putting them to work. Ok, maybe I thought I heard that. I blame it on the chicken cutlets she made last night. And the corn. And the mashed potatoes. All this food. I’m unsure what I’m more frightened of, the fridge or the scale, so I’m trying to steer clear of both.

Seriously Cuy, I’ve had to run the dishwasher twice – twice! – since her arrival. Do you know how many plates I used between your departure for New Zealand and Grandma’s arrival? None. Dinner is Tostitos straight out of the bag and wine. I put the bag away and wash the glass. And sometimes I don’t even do that. I mean, I’m only going to use it again the next night so why bother? God, why am I telling you this? You’re such a germaphobe. Don’t worry, I do rinse the glass and I certainly make sure Jenn and Sandra don’t use it when they come over for wine and cheese and crackers. (Look! I even eat cheese and crackers. Tostitos, cheese, crackers and wine. The diet of champions!)

Come home soon, my champion. I promise to have the fridge full of things you like. And if I’m recovered from Grandma’s food festival, I might even cook them.

Love,

Mom xo

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4.18.17

Dear Cuyler, I promise to fill it before you get home

I think I can hear an echo in here

 

I promise, I really do, to stock up before you come home. I’ll fill it with steaks and Alfredo sauce and of course more eggs. I think there are three in that carton right now. And don’t worry, I’ll get Gatorade and ginger ale and those chicken things you like, too. I didn’t take a picture of the freezer, but there are two full gallons of chocolate ice cream in there just waiting for you to slather in chocolate syrup and enjoy. (Don’t worry, I threw out the leftover, bizarre frozen baguettes we somehow took with us when we left what’s his name’s house. I took the strange bread and left the Maserati. What was I thinking?) Since you’re certain to come home with a hankering for meat pies and all the cool things you’ve been enjoying in New Zealand, I promise to leave some room so we can stock up on the new stuff too. But for now, I’m sort of enjoying our empty fridge. For one thing, it’s much easier to clean. And when the wine refrigerator gets too full, I can stick the extras in without a hassle.

Your bathroom’s a little less cluttered, as well.

 

Hmmm. Should I ditch the zombie plaque for the other?

I mean, it’s the one the girls use when they visit, so I had to pretty it up a bit. Don’t worry, your razors, vitamins, hair products, nail clippers, sunscreens, retainers, shampoos, body washes (yes, I cleaned out the shower too; sometimes the girls stay over!), etc. are all tucked away safely, and I promise to return them to their proper, scattered spots prior to your return. Although ya gotta admit, it does look kinda nice like this.

As for your bedroom, never fear. It’s fine. The same. I plan only to paint.

And I really think you’ll like the shade of pink I’ve picked out.

Love,

Mom xoxo

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4.12.17

Sometimes I bury my face in it

Stu is gone six years on Thursday. Shortly after he passed, the boys and I went through a few of his favorite things. Casey wanted his dad’s Marine Corps album. Cuyler wanted his watch and wallet. I wanted his ratty Marines sweatshirt. I used to tease him about its decrepit condition, but he sure looked cute in it. And he let me wear it when I was pregnant with Casey, and then with Cuy, when I was as big as a bear. I keep it on a box under my bed and every now and then I pull it out and bury my face in its softness. It hasn’t smelled like him in a long time and yet a few days ago, when I sat on my bedroom floor holding and kissing and sniffing it, and it smelled of nothing, I was surprised. And angry. Six years is a long time. The three of us have been through so much in that time. And I’m not whining. No one’s life is smooth sailing. But, crazy as this sounds, I sat there thinking we deserved some sort of reward for having survived and just a whiff of the dad and husband who left us too soon would have been enough.

And then it hit me. If it couldn’t smell like Stu it’ll smell like Sue. It’s not the same by any means, but the boys will be happy to see it. They might even want to borrow it. And then God knows what it’ll smell like.

 

 

 

 

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