A close encounter of the bear kind at the summit of Old Rag Mountain. Photo by Jack Cumming, via National Park Service, via InsideNova.com.

As if I needed another reason not to go hiking: bears are helping themselves to the picnics outdoorsy types bring to enjoy once they reach the summit of Old Rag Mountain, and they don’t care that folks are standing there, taking their picture as they make their escape. These are very comfortable bears, my friends, so comfortable I expect we might soon see them snapping selfies with their Safeway and Wegman’s bags filled with all manner of ill gotten goodies.

Oh no, the hiking thing is not for me.

I did go once, with He Whose Name Will Neither Be Spoken Nor Written, and between the sweat and the bugs and the bugs sticking to the sweat, I was miserable. I actually ran all the way down the damn hill to the car. And we all know how much I hate to run.

Are you sensing a pattern here? I hate to hike, I hate to run. One might get the impression that I don’t enjoy outdoor activities and yet I do. I do enjoy outdoor activities!

I enjoy taking a book outside to read, in the shade, where there’s a breeze and no bugs. I enjoy taking a glass of wine outside, to sip, in the shade, where there’s a breeze and no bugs. See? I’m really very outdoorsy!

I even emphasized my specific outdoorsy attributes in the online dating profile I used to have. Sadly though, most of the men who contacted me thought those qualities were up for compromise – with one even suggesting I bring my book on a hike he and I would take together so I could read it at the summit. Can you say “Swipe left“?

Oh no, the hiking thing is not my thing. Between the sweat and the bugs and the bugs sticking to the sweat and now the possibility of crossing paths with a bear, you can count me out my friends. But I don’t begrudge you your passion for getting out there, conquering that mountain, filling your lungs with fresh air and releasing those awesome endorphins. Do it, I say. Just do it! But when you do, leave your Safeway and Wegman’s bags in the car. With me. I’ll be sitting there with the a.c. and my reading glasses on, enjoying a book and looking for bears snapping selfies.