1. Popping out a painfully dry, cloudy contact lens while driving is a virtually surefire way to lose the lens. And doing it while simultaneously turning the AC on full blast guarantees you’ll do the rest of your errands half blind. Until of course you stop, spend ten minutes combing every inch of the filthy floor, finally, unbelievably find the folded, hairy, crumb covered lens, suck it back to life and pop it back in your eye.
2. I am not a germaphobe. Obviously.
3. “Ride on carts have a single rider rule for a reason, ma’am!” Ok, ok. But I’m still not doing the dumb speed limit.
4. Tearing out a clump of hair and a couple of eyelashes during a therapy session devoted to your trichotillomania (a.k.a. compulsive hair pulling) will result in your therapist making you wear a hand puppet for the full fifty-five minutes. Specifically a bumble bee hand puppet. It was cute, but it clashed with my outfit.
5. “I have a hard on!” is eleven year-old boy speak for “My heart is racing!” and no reason to drive off the road. Unless of course you’ve lost a contact lens or been forced to leave an accessory you’ve grown (begrudgingly) fond of at the shrink’s so other budding baldies can use it.
6. The water running up your thigh in the shower is a stinkbug.