Can you make an iguana sit for a selfie? See, I’m on a quest to take one. And it might not be too difficult to do. There’s one that lives right here, by the lake, and sometimes suns himself on the patio around the pool. One morning he was scooting around on the grass near where I was sitting. Yes, it was slightly unsettling having him so close, but I did manage to get a picture of him.

At least I think he’s a him. I won’t be checking to find out for sure.

So you might be wondering, If it was slightly unsettling to have an iguana nearby, why do you want a selfie with one?

Excellent question.

It’s for work. Specifically for the issue when we announce the winners of our annual Cutest Pet Contest.

See, my co-worker, Pam, has the most beautiful Golden Retriever named Winston (Winston!) and along with her editor’s letter she’s thinking of including a photo of herself with Mr. Growing-by-the-Minute-Golden-and-Gorgeous. Sadly, and immaturely, I am professionally jealous.

I do not have a pet.

I am, in a phrase, pet deprived.

But there is Mr. Iguana and if I could get him to sit for a selfie, I could use the photo in my editor’s letter. I doubt our art director will be pleased though. Art directors do not like selfies. They like perfectly lit, professionally taken photos of pleasing subjects. Mr. Iguana is not exactly pleasing to look at. In fact, he’s kind of freaky. But he’s out there, right now, on the rocks!

I can see him! Gotta go, folks. I must fulfill my quest! I must get a selfie with Edgar the Iguana. (Yes, I just named him.)

Stay put, Edgar. Suzy’s coming!

But shit. I haven’t showered.

Well, neither has he.

God, this is gonna be ugly.

If you’d like to read more of my humorous (at least I hope they’re humorous!) pieces, check out Susan’s Funny Stuff on Substack. Thanks!